Dec 27

Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?

You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours.

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Rating: 6.1/10 (27 votes cast)
Dec 27

When my attorney told his clients that he had a sliding fee schedule, what he meant was that after he billed you, it was financially hard to get back on your feet.

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Rating: 4.6/10 (23 votes cast)
Dec 27

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.” The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

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Rating: 2.7/10 (61 votes cast)
Dec 27

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”

St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 150 years old!”

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Rating: 7.1/10 (35 votes cast)
Dec 27

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, “Oh, look! A nut!” The second squirrel jumped on it and said, “It’s my nut!”

The first squirrel said, “That’s not fair! I saw it first!”

“Well, you may have seen it, but I have it,” argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, “You shouldn’t quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute.” The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, “Now, give me the nut.” He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, “See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.”

Then he reached over and said, “And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.”

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Rating: 6.6/10 (26 votes cast)
Dec 27

A group of dinner guests were blaming all of America’s troubles on lawyers when a woman said, “They aren’t all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1000.”

“I don’t believe it,” the host responded.

“It’s true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.”

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Rating: 6.6/10 (23 votes cast)
Dec 26

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

“I’m an attorney,” the wincing man said, “and this is going to cost you $5000.”

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” the concerned golfer replied. “But I did yell ‘fore’.”

“I’ll take it,” the attorney said.

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Rating: 7.3/10 (29 votes cast)
Dec 26

Three proud mothers were describing the virtues of their children. The first said, “My daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new artificial liver that has saved the lives of countless patients.”

The second proudly proclaimed, “My son, the physicist, has developed a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely no pollution.”

“That is nothing,” replied the third, “my son the lawyer has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients for the time he spends on the golf course!”

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Rating: 6.1/10 (34 votes cast)
Dec 26

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

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Rating: 8.6/10 (39 votes cast)
Dec 26

Why is money green?

Because lawyers pick it up before it is ripe.

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Rating: 6.1/10 (38 votes cast)
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