How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, lawyers only screw us.
What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.
Why have some cities outlawed lawyers from going to the beach?
Because the cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.
If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
